Key Symptoms of Codependency to Be Aware of

How would you respond if a friend were to ask you, “How are your relationships going these days?”? Your relationships may be going amazingly well, meeting your needs and expectations, while also providing you with opportunities to serve others effectively. Healthy and fulfilling relationships such as these are enriching, and they can contribute to an overall sense of well-being.

On the other hand, you might be feeling stuck, struggling to make sense of the state of your relationships, or the conflicts and other challenges you are facing. Relationships that are not in a good space inevitably affect whether you feel okay or whether life is good. One of the factors that could be at play in challenging or unhealthy relationships is having a codependent dynamic.

Knowing the key codependency symptoms can help you identify unhealthy patterns in your life, and it can empower you to take steps to amend things in your relationships.

Understanding The Heart of Codependency

There are several ways to think about what codependency is and how it works in a person’s life. It is a set of patterns and a behavioral condition that leads a person to rely too much on others to meet their needs, or to have their sense of identity and approval established. We all rely on each other for certain things, but reliance that is excessive to the point of not being able to function properly without others signals a problem.

Balanced and healthy relationships will have two or more people supporting each other. There’s mutual respect and a good amount of give-and-take that shape their interactions. That is what a good friendship looks like. A co-dependent friendship or relationship instead involves one person sacrificing their well-being to meet another’s need. It often looks like one person always giving of themselves while the other simply takes and takes and takes.

Codependency and a codependent dynamic relationship are not healthy for either party in the relationship, and that will be discussed shortly. Codependent situations will often lead to situations of increasing emotional dependence, enabling behaviors, and an unhealthy dynamic of controlling behaviors.

One way to think of codependency is that the codependent party has a poorly developed sense of self – they can only locate their validation externally, through other people appreciating them and by feeling useful to others. This can leave a person open to emotionally, physically, mentally, and relationally unhealthy and damaging behaviors.

At the heart of codependency is the feeling “I am not enough. I need to always show up and be useful to others before I matter.” They do not have an inherent sense of self-worth and value rooted in simply being one of God’s amazing creatures, made fearfully and wonderfully in His image (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalm 139:14).

Codependency’s Impact on a Person

Our actions, patterns, and habits of thought and action all affect us in one way or another. They can affect us negatively or positively. Codependency is a set of patterns and behaviors that typically only result in a negative impact on the codependent person as well as the person who benefits from and enables that codependency.

For one thing, codependency can result in a diminished sense of self. You can never do enough for others to feel okay. There will always be another need, something else that needs fixing or doing, and you will never feel as though you have done enough. The result is a diminished sense of self, along with other challenges such as chronic stress, depression, anxiety, and burnout.

Codependency may also result in feelings of deep resentment toward others. When you make deep personal sacrifices for others without taking time and space for your own needs, and if that is a pattern of behavior, you could wind up feeling resentful toward the people you are doing these things for. They may not be appreciative enough of your sacrifices, or seem to keep needing rescue, which can all sow seeds of resentment.

There can also be emptiness that comes with meeting others’ needs while neglecting your own. You might even feel like you have lost yourself in the quest to always be present for others and prioritize their needs. Your relationships can become imbalanced, and you can end up fostering dysfunction instead of contributing to growth and being a helpful support. If you are always rescuing others, then they are not learning to help themselves and grow.

In the end, codependency does not support the health or well-being of either the codependent individual or the person against whom the behavior is directed.

Key Symptoms of Codependency

Given how damaging codependency can be, it heightens the importance of knowing what it looks like, even in seemingly innocent interactions. Some of the key codependency symptoms to be aware of may include the following:

People-Pleasing This could look like saying ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No.’ A codependent person does this because they crave and is driven by a need for approval from others.

Low Self-Esteem Feeling like you are not enough, doubting yourself and your value, and carrying feelings of inadequacy.

Poor Boundaries Akin to people-pleasing, having poor boundaries is about not being able to set and maintain your limits with people. These limits or boundaries may be personal, emotional, or otherwise. They may be about your time and resources, and there are ways to protect yourself and not violate the things that matter to you. Not being able to say no without guilt could suggest codependency.

Being Clingy Codependent people often have an intense fear of abandonment or rejection. This can result in people being clingy or overly attached to others, even when it is not in their best interest to do so. If you find yourself sticking around long after you were hurt, abused, taken advantage of, or otherwise not treated with the dignity and respect you deserve, codependency may be at the root of it.

Control Issues Codependency is often accompanied by a need to control people or situations to feel secure. In a codependent relationship, one may feel responsible for others, but that could come with the desire to keep them on a tight leash so that they don’t make as much of a mess, and they don’t have to overextend themselves to sort out those messes. Being controlling is a tell-tale sign of codependency.

Why Codependency Is Hard to Discern

The denial that often accompanies codependency is often hard to identify because of other things. If you were taught, whether actively or through life circumstances, that behaving in a codependent way is normal and healthy, then it makes sense that you’d be blind to it. Normalizing codependent behavior as part of family, cultural, or communal norms is one factor why it is so hard to detect.

Another reason codependence can go under the radar is that it can easily be mistaken for virtues such as selflessness, deep love, or loyalty toward others.

For Christians in particular, with Jesus as a role model of sacrifice and servant leadership, it can be easy to mistake a healthy discipleship and life patterned after Jesus, and the dysfunctional patterns of codependency. Codependency, after all, stems from a poorly developed sense of self, not love as Scripture defines it (1 Corinthians 13).

Overcoming Codependency – Mission Possible!

Though codependent patterns may be deeply set in an individual, it is possible to overcome and recover from codependency. It is important to discern the signs of codependency, such as feeling drained or being overly responsible for others’ well-being. Learning about healthy relationship dynamics helps. Learning into activities and practices that promote self-worth and healthy autonomy are also steps in the process.

Other helpful steps could also include joining a support group where you can interact with and learn from others with similar experiences. Going for therapy also helps, not only to understand where these codependent patterns come from, but also to learn how to identify them, as well as how to say “No” and set good boundaries for yourself. Individual or family therapy can help reset these patterns and set them on a healthier trajectory.

While it takes time and consistent effort, it is possible to recover from codependence, to grow, learn, and embrace healthy relationships and a godly sense of self-regard.

If this is an issue of concern for you, I will be glad to offer support in a faith-based counseling process.