Recipe for Recovery: Practical Strategies to Reset After an Emotional Affair

When we make our marital vows and declare that we will forsake all others, we tend to view it as a nod to the threats that infidelity poses. What we assume is that an affair is physical. However, Jesus revealed that what happens in the body first occurs in the mind (Matthew 5:27-28). It’s the same with an emotional affair.

It may seem intense, but we commit adultery, stepping outside of our marriage, when we share a part of ourselves and our affections with someone who isn’t our spouse. An emotional affair can happen subtly, and we don’t always realize that we have crossed into dangerous territory.

Emotional affairs can slip under our radar. They originate with a comment here, a compliment there, until a series of conversations evolve and gain momentum. As it did when we first met our spouse, a connection is borne through interaction.

While the entanglement doesn’t form overnight, it doesn’t take much to spark a flame. Furthermore, it doesn’t take long to develop a strong hold on us without prayer and paying attention to our hearts and the well-being of our marriage.

Keep watching and praying, so that you do not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. – Matthew 26:41, NASB2020

There are many reasons we need to understand and address emotional infidelity. Like any other sin, we must remember that we have an enemy who works viciously against us to destroy us before God and with one another (Revelation 12:10).

When we feel the weight of guilt and shame about the emotional affair but don’t confront and repent of the sin, the enemy can use that to cause further damage to our marriage and our mental state. It can cause us to turn inward, looking for comfort and relief from places where God never intended us to find refuge or respite; even spurring us to return to the place or person that our sin revolved around.

Finding Freedom

We can confess our sins and find God’s grace and forgiveness. In mercy, God’s Word has declared that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:37). That includes any accusation that Satan would bring before the Father concerning us.

True repentance does not excuse our sin. True forgiveness does not negate the temporal consequences of our sin. If we are going to live our vows in their fullest intention and expression, then we must choose to demonstrate the example of the Bridegroom and His church, even where it feels awkward, uncomfortable, and inconvenient.

The same God that brought us together can bring us through this with a testimony of the Lord’s goodness and mercy if we go to Christ for forgiveness.

Finding Forgiveness After an Emotional Affair

We need our Savior and the power of God to do the work internally, individually and as couples, to work restoration in our relationship. That doesn’t mean we absolve ourselves of our responsibility, but we release justice into the hand of the true and righteous Judge. We do apologize and look to make restitution in our relationships, listening with greater sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and our husband or wife concerning their needs.

Our fight is not against one another, but rather against the forces of darkness that are warring against us in subtle and overt means (Ephesians 6:12). With that in mind, we must recognize that the threat of emotional infidelity came to steal, kill, and destroy, but we can partner with the Lord and one another to experience His Heart for abundant living, even in our marriage (John 10:10)

Remaining in silence instead of conveying what we need with our spouse can have adverse effects. We must communicate honestly, otherwise we generate bitterness. Keeping our concerns to ourselves causes us to stew internally, simmering negative thoughts.

While these are percolating, our minds cook scenarios that would poison our marriages from the inside out. Arresting harmful thoughts and intentionally shifting our minds to meditate on the pure and noble will recalibrate and reset us with God’s power and intentions for our lives (2 Corinthians 10:4-5; Philippians 4:8).

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. – Psalms 32:3, NIV

Finding the Way Out

God will give us a way to come through emotional infidelity with support. It might not look like what we want in the short term, especially if there was a need that the other person was fulfilling. However, the vows we made are for a lifetime.

Our “better and worse” includes whatever is happening when the bottom drops beneath us, and we lose footing on what we thought was stable. God is patient, and He champions us over the long haul, even when we feel like we want to legally dissolve the marriage or silently withdraw from our part in it.

He will equip us with the grace and grit to endure and overcome, even in the realm of our thoughts and feelings. He loves us, our spouse, and our family. He loves the person on the other side of the emotional affair as well. It is up to us to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead and extricate ourselves from the contact and opportunity to remain in a sinful entanglement. We must realize that just because it may soothe our flesh, it is resulting in death, suffocating our spirit.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13, NIV

Finding a Fresh Start After an Emotional Affair

Many couples have encountered the threat of emotional affairs and lived to share their stories. The road to marital recovery is not a simple one, however. We already know that sin leads to death, and while that is not always indicative of mortality, it describes what happens to our marriages when we choose wrongly (Romans 6:23).

It may not even mean that we want to end our marriage, but somehow, we find ourselves entangled in a way that seems beyond repair. However, we must remember that God can transform the worst circumstances and produce the fresh start we need.

Jesus is the One who makes all things new, and the first place He begins is with us (Revelation 21:5; 2 Corinthians 5:17). Exploring the why and the how behind the emotional affair is an important first step to repairing what has been broken in us and our marriage.

That isn’t something we can do alone; we can seek a pastor or counselor to support us and our spouse in the path to redeem and restore what has crumbled. We don’t have to remain where we are; we can embrace practical strategies to recover and reset our home and family, in alignment with God’s Heart for us.

Next Steps: Christian Couples Counseling

It may help to revisit our marriage through a fresh lens. At no point can we be everything to our spouse, nor can he or she be to us. There will be times in our marriage when we feel imbalanced or even unfulfilled.

This is when we need the grace of God to help us keep our covenant with our spouse. As the provider and supplier, He outfits us individually and collectively with what we lack. He does more than we can imagine, even as we seek to honor our vows to Him and one another.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:19, NASB2020

Finally, use the online directory on our site to search for and select a counselor. Consider coming as a couple; but if that is not an option at this point, begin with individual therapy. There are strategies for you to take as a husband or wife to reset and restore what is broken with God’s help. He will help you both plant your feet into your next solid steps and navigate your path out of the entanglement of emotional infidelity.