Grief: The Ripple Effect of Miscarriage and Infertility

Perhaps you have been faced with a difficult season of trying to get pregnant, have had a miscarriage, or have been told that you have infertility issues. Your grief is valid, and we are so deeply sorry for the pain you have experienced and might be experiencing right now.

Since grief is the ripple effect of miscarriage and infertility, you need to address it before it overwhelms you. A caring Christian counselor can help you heal from the hurt and receive God’s comfort and care for the ache you have experienced.

Miscarriage and infertility: three scenarios.

Perhaps one of these scenarios will resonate with the pain you have experienced.

Melissa.

Melissa has been trying to get pregnant for years. After three years of trying and taking over fifty pregnancy tests, her heart leaped at the sight of two pink lines. Her husband started sobbing uncontrollably with joy the second she told him.

They felt so hopeful and overjoyed that they immediately took out the box of items they had been collecting for years – homemade sentimental baby blankets, onesies that helped keep their hope alive, little nursery knick-knacks, and keepsakes family members had given them to encourage their heart during such a trying time.

Weeks after Melissa finally saw those pink lines and began sketching how she might decorate the nursery; she began bleeding heavily and was told she was having a miscarriage. Just like that, her heart and dreams were shattered. The box still sits where she began to unpack it because she cannot bear the thought of having to go years or even months before seeing another positive pregnancy test.

Nancy.

Nancy is the mother of three beautiful children. While Nancy considers herself greatly blessed to have given birth to three beautiful souls, she has also miscarried two precious babies. Several family members told Nancy “You should be thankful.

At least you have children” when she was trying to process her grief, leaving her feeling inadequate and melodramatic. Because of these intense feelings of shame, she just kept harboring her grief, so it continued to intensify.

Sonya.

Sonya married her husband ten years ago. They were barely considered adults when they got married. Sonya’s husband told her on the day he proposed that his biggest dream was to become a father and have a big family.

For many years, they have been trying to conceive and have yet to see those two pink lines show up on the hundreds of tests she has taken. Sonya often falls into feeling like a failure and blames herself. She feels like she is letting her husband down and not fulfilling their lifelong dream of having a big family.

If any of these scenarios seem familiar to your story, you are not alone, and a Christian counselor can help you process all your feelings surrounding miscarriage and infertility.

The ripple effect of grief.

Here are a few things to consider about the grief that surrounds miscarriage and infertility:

Grief plays tricky mind games.

One moment you might feel like you are coping quite well with the struggles of miscarriage, infertility, or the journey to parenthood in general. You might feel optimistic one moment but overwhelmed in a puddle of tears the next. If you take one thing from this article, let it be this: your feelings are valid, and they need to be felt.

It is important to ask the right people for help.

It can be so easy to run to the first person in our friend or family circle when we are experiencing a miscarriage, but the truth is, not everyone understands. While most people do not know what to say, it is important to turn to people who can walk alongside you in your grief journey.

Talk to your spouse who might be facing similar feelings. Talk to a professional Christian counselor who can talk about the faith, emotional, and physical aspects in a way that not everyone can do. Talk to women who have experienced similar journeys so you can encourage and support one another on the difficult days when grief tries to cloud your vision.

Miscarriage and infertility grief can impact everyone.

While a mother needs to be mightily supported in her grief journey, her family must also be shown love. It not only helps her, but it helps them navigate their own feelings.

Family counseling would be a great option for children and parents alike to cope with their loss, discuss what they are feeling, and try to make space for what is ahead. Whether a family experiences a stillbirth or a miscarriage, each member still needs to be offered the space to talk, cry, and hope for the future.

Imagining what could have been can make certain dates difficult.

Expectant parents see those two pink lines or “pregnant” pop up on a digital test, and suddenly their mind reels with excitement and visions of what the future could look like.

The visions for the future that might suddenly be ripped away, include imagining:

• Holding their baby for the very first time.
• The first snuggles and smiles.
• The first holidays and new family traditions.
• The first time their siblings meet this new, precious life.
• The first time they eat solids or their first tooth popping through.
• The first time they belly-laugh or try to say ma-ma or da-da.

There will also be moments of loss that will forever be etched mother’s heart and mind:

• The deceased baby’s predicted due date.
• The day mom found out she was pregnant.
• The time frame in which her baby was conceived.
• The time frame in which her baby was lost.

The timeline of grief varies from person to person.

There will be good days and difficult days. There will be days when it feels impossible to stay focused on a task. Days when it feels like your insides mirror a torrential downpour. There will be days when grief feels so overwhelming it takes everything to make yourself get out of bed.

These are the days when you cannot turn down your support system. Days you need to make yourself go to your counseling session. These are the days when you can just cry out and talk to God and ask His Spirit to comfort your soul.

There will be triggers.

For the woman experiencing loss or for those who are surrounding women who are, it is important to know that sometimes triggers come out of nowhere. It might be seeing someone giddily purchase a pregnancy test in the checkout line. A trigger might be walking by a baby aisle that is stocked full of adorable outfits and beaming mothers-to-be.

It might be seeing a new birth announcement or pregnancy announcement on social media. A trigger might be returning to the place where you started bleeding from a miscarriage or seeing a doctor for the first time since you lost your baby. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and ask for help.

One in four women has experienced a miscarriage.

If you are this woman, it is okay to ask for help. If you know this woman, remember to pause and love her. Be there for her. Ask how she is doing and see if there is anything you can do. Drop off coffee. Send flowers. Send a card. Let her be candid and let her cry. Allow her to feel like she is in a safe place. Reassure her that you are not judging her.

Cling to your faith and your support system.

When you experience grief or loss of any kind, it can be easy to distance yourself from God because you feel alone. Know that He is in the waiting room with you. He is beside the pile of tissues in the corner of the dark room with you.

God is in the seasons of hope and trying to let the sunshine seep through the gloomy and dark parts of your heart in the difficult seasons. Jesus sits with us in our mess and never abandons us. He can use the darkest of seasons for something good.

If you are feeling alone or hopeless today, know that you do not have to experience this alone. Your counselor wants to walk with you through the days when the hope is seeping through, and on the days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. Your counselor wants to encourage you, support you, equip you with tools to help you in your journey and pray over you during this difficult season. Reach out for help today.