By Amanda Rowett, MA, LHMCA, Seattle Christian Counseling, PLLC
In the second article in this series, I outlined the steps we can take to process emotional pain: observing, acknowledging, expressing, and interpreting. But how should we treat ourselves when we are hurting? How does God see us when we struggle? Why do all the hard work of processing pain?
Assume a Compassionate Stance towards Yourself
In therapy, I often see clients treat themselves so unkindly in the midst of deep emotional pain and turmoil. They may be critical, judgmental, dismissive, or even harmful towards themselves. Many people don’t even consider how they treat themselves and they can’t see how self-hate derails their healing process. Our physical bodies need to be cared for with the right nutrition, exercise, and rest, so why would our emotional self be any different? Processing emotional pain requires you to be kind towards yourself and to treat your emotional self with compassion and grace. You need to assume a non-judgmental stance. Why? When you are judgmental the following problems occur:
- You get stuck when you condemn yourself.
- Being judgmental increases emotional distress.
- A preoccupation with self-hate distracts you and prevents you from taking steps towards healing and change.
- You miss important details that aid in problem solving. Trade in self-hate for self-validation. Practicing self-validation enables you to move away from problems and pain and helps you to heal more efficiently.
Accept Your Experience as Real
Self-validation occurs when you affirm that your emotions, thoughts, and experiences are real, significant, and understandable. For example, when you empathize with a friend, you try to understand their unique point of view. This could sound something like: “I can see how you might feel depressed considering that you just lost your job,” or “That must be difficult.” Try using this same empathic attitude towards yourself. Self-validation also affirms emotional experiences irrespective of whether these seem rational or irrational, because the feelings are still present and real for that person. This might sound like: “I am feeling anxious even though there is no threat. But I am worth acknowledging this and can see that this moment is reminding me of a past failure.” Empathize with yourself on why this feeling might be occurring. This could sound something like: “I can see why depression is resurfacing now because my mom died four years ago during spring time.” Basically, self-empathy recognizes that painful present moments do not occur in isolation but are a result of multiple past events and the choices made by you or other people.
See Yourself as God Sees You
However, self-validation does not mean you agree with bad behavior or sin. Instead, it means aligning with God’s view of your worth as human being. It is important not to turn against yourself in the midst of pain. If God says that He is for you and not against you, then you should not be against yourself either. So self-validation means that you focus on your intrinsic worth as a God’s child. He sees you first of all as His son or daughter. God sees us through Christ’s blood, meaning He always sees your worth and value even when you sin. Jesus died to have a relationship with you, even though you fell short. Christ radically loves and accepts you. However, this radical acceptance does not give you permission to abuse grace or to avoid taking ownership of sin. The stance we must take is one of humility and thankfulness: “Though I missed the mark, Christ loves me and sees my worth, so I must look for the treasure inside myself as well.”
The Benefits of Processing Pain
There are many advantages to processing emotional pain. First, resolving painful emotions unburdens you so that you are less likely to be triggered emotionally. A trigger could be a sight, smell, sound, or feeling that reawakens the connection between a painful event and feelings of trauma. Second, processing emotional pain is a form of grieving that is healing. Grieving allows you to mourn those feelings and thoughts that have occupied your attention. Once resolved you have more space available for positive emotions and new growth. Conversely, when we avoid pain it prevents us from experiencing good things. Third, resolving pain can increase your emotional endurance and increase your faith in your capacity to overcome life’s challenges. Fourth, processing pain together with God leads to a flourishing of spiritual intimacy. Fifth, during trials we can develop new strengths and resources. The Bible tells us that what the enemy meant to use to bring harm to us, God can transform for our good. So, where you have been harmed in life could be your greatest source of victory and strength. You have authority over the battles that you win.
God is Ready to Embrace You in Your Pain
There is something therapeutic about telling our story. Give yourself the gift of self-respect by voicing your pain and emotions. Your story is not meant to be pushed aside, but to be told. Pain does not discredit you and beauty and strength can be found in brokenness. Part of self-care is allowing yourself to experience emotion and not ignore your needs. We are human, not perfect and we need to have realistic expectations of ourselves. Accept the grace God freely gave to you and extend it to yourself. Look at your emotional pain through the lens of a journey rather than a destination. Life is full of challenges but hardship can be a vehicle that helps us to mature and grow if we allow it to. Are you open to the healing process and to growth? Remember that your emotional experiences deserve time, attention, compassion, and grace. So, who are you running to? God is ready to embrace you in your pain. Be encouraged, for God is forming a pearl in your darkness.
A Christian Counselor Can Help You Process Emotional Pain
You may find that it is helpful to tell your story to a trusted friend, a family member, or to a trained Christian counselor. As a Christian counselor, I would love to walk with you through the steps of processing your pain and help you to connect with the God who promises to be your comfort and light in times of darkness. We shall witness together how He illuminates your path in the wilderness. If you would like to find out more about how Christian counseling can help you in processing emotional pain, please contact me here.
Photos
“Resolution Chalk Means Solution Settlement or Outcome,” Stock Image By Stuart Miles, published on 04 June 2014 Stock Image – image ID: 100264462; “Woman lighting candle,” Microsoft Office Partner, Fotolia; “Holy Cross,” Microsoft Office Image
